Eating disorders and the internal struggle..

I have been toying with the idea of writing this post for a very long time. Eating disorders are very hard to talk about, its like being an alcoholic but the food version. You see, no one really knows this about me but years ago I struggled very badly with bulimia. I was young.. well younger, and all I wanted was to be skinny and sexy and feel good about myself. It got so out of hand that It was a normal part of my every day life…

I had tried many diets and starved myself while drinking nothing but meal replacement shakes all day but it still was not helping me be what I thought I wanted to be. I do not know how I got to the point where it got so bad but I will never forget how I physically could not stand the feeling of having food in my stomach, after I ate something I would need to go throw it up. It started with me having to make myself throw up but then kinda morphed into my body feeling “sick” if I ate and the throwing up just kinda happened when my mind wanted it to. Yes I lost weight.. but it was a terrible way to live. The scary part is that it happened and progressed so easily.

Anyways I got over it when it came to a time when we wanted to have kids and I realized I had to focus on being healthy and not as skinny as possible.

The years went on and then I picked up another “eating disorder”, the one called meal replacement shakes! Now before I have a whole bunch of people screaming at me, yes meal replacement shakes have their place and if used CORRECTLY can work out well. When I say used correctly I mean they are supposed to be used along side eating healthy foods, who would have known.

I fell into the replace breakfast with a shake.. Then it was the replace breakfast and lunch with a shake. Then when that was not good enough it became the replace all meals with shake and just don’t eat any physical food for a week and I am sure that will help me drop the 5kg I am desperate to loose. This became very similar to the bulimia because again it was me avoiding actual food. It can be a dangerous trap to fall into and again so easy.

You can go into most supermarkets these days and they have an actually isle dedicated to shakes, diet pills, weight loss aids and many items promising tht you will drop the kg’s you so desperately want to get rid of.

I am actually so thankful for the day I found the Mila’s Meals book, because this book changed the way I thought about food and diets and my body. I changed everything when I got this book, I threw out the shakes and I went and bought actual food! I cut out the bad stuff and started feeding my body what it needed. AND guess what happened.. I lost more weight that I ever had through all those years of trying to starve my body into something it wasn’t. I went from hardly eating to eating 6 or so small meals a day that were made up of plant based gluten free foods that were so yummy!

Now I am actually writing this because I find myself falling off the wagon a bit here. Life has been hard and I am struggling terribly with myself, emotionally and physically. I put on 7kg again and I am feeling so miserable.

I got upset the other day, angry and emotional and it was just after we had gone out for pizza.. and I went to the bathroom and threw up! Few days later I did it again without thinking twice, or actually I did think twice but i just blocked it out cause i needed to try and feel better in that moment!!

This morning again I found myself at the shop buying shake and diet pills. WHY, when I know these things are not the way to go. Hopefully telling you all this will kick my ass into some kind of gear before this turns into another problem for me.

Like any other addiction, purging and starving or even popping diet pills can be something that is hard to shake and hard to deal with. It can be a hard internal struggle to get out of a bad habit that can cause your body so much harm. It can start with a innocent crash diet and snowball into a disease.

It is better to take a look at what you are eating and re evaluate your food choices. Plant based is definitely saving me and hopefully I can get back on track soon.

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  1. Liezel Thomas says:

    You’re very brave for sharing this. Stay strong xxxx

  2. Melissa thanks for sharing your experiences with an eating disorder – there are so many people that have struggled with an eating disorder. Fortunately I haven’t but I am a recovery alcoholic and drug addict, now years in recovery.

    Addiction is no laughing matter and I am so glad that you are getting these things out in the open. I blog about my addiction on one of my websites and I think you are making such an awesome move. It really does help to put it out there.

    You said that you got angry and then vomited – addiction is not so much about the drugs or even the food but about emotions and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Just a tip – next time you are feeling like purging or using diet pills/ shakes {insert anything unhealthy} try and sit with your feelings and figure out a way to figure out what it is that is triggering you. Put in place things that you can do next time that are healthy ways of coping so you know what to do when the urge hits.

    You can so beat this, that much is obvious – you are strong and beautiful.

  3. supershazzer says:

    Thank you for being so honest and sharing this. It is also not only just what we eat but what is going on in our lives. Try and stop for a moment and see what emotions are arising. Feel the emotions and the source of them. Honour them and then move on. Things may not change immediately but the awareness will most definitely help.

  4. Anna says:

    Hi Melissa

    Sorry to hear about your struggle. Do yourself a favour and read The Obesity Code by Dr Jason Fung. I wish I did years ago – it explains how the food cravings REALLY work – it is about hormones – too much insulin produced in response to certain foods and cortisone from stress and bad sleep. Apparently the ”calorie in calorie out’ approach is one big lie – no wonder it all comes back to where we started…

    I have been losing weight by weighing and logging all my food, like learning the calorie counts of everything i eat, exercising (strength and running, up to Half marathon!) for years… And guess what? It all comes back with vengeance! I am always hungry restricted and tired. Exhausted is really the word. So yep I reach my goal, float on clouds and then it starts over again.

    It has changed for me after reading this book… OMG. One can eat not be hungry and lose weight, AND not freaking feel bad about how much I eat… no weighing and measuring and counting calories. Really it is not about dieting but understanding your blood sugar, since it’s the insulin resistance that makes one gain weight. Go figure.

    Best of luck, I hope you figure out what is right for you.
    Blessings, Anna

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