Postnatal Depression and a typical hard day with kids!
I have had a many thoughts about parenting lately but here is a look at a typical day in the life of me, there is actually a point at the end of this… A point about my postnatal depression and how glad I am to be doing better now! …
This morning I woke up exhausted, you would expect to wake up feeling better than when you went to bed but this just isn’t the case. Violet is up a million times a night and by morning my shirt is half off with one boob hanging out, my messy mom bun hair is half hanging by my neck with hair sticking up like a scare crow and instead of caring about what my husband thinks of how I look, I am only worried about him making me coffee. I forgot to tell him I love him and just demand coffee…
This progresses on to me getting up and trying to remember where I put my pajama pants while the baby cries for me to pick her up (no time to put on pants right!?) and my 4 year old has said mommy 9 times in a row for what ever she is looking for and basically I can’t hear myself think over the noise of crying and mommy-ing.
My husband suggests we get ready and go out for breakfast, normally I would be like “yay breakfast at a restaurant”, but instead I am standing there with my shirt still half off and a boob hanging out saying something along the line of “do we really have to adult and leave the house with these kids”
Then I beg to have a shower, because by now my husband is looking all fresh and showered and he’s ready to go but as you guessed, I am still standing around with one boob out and my hair all over the place because the kids have demanded every second of my time.
Having a shower is like sacred mommy time, before the baby came along I would soak in a hot Sunday morning bath with all my nice smelling favorite bath products and leave the conditioner on my hair for 10 min. Now I half persuade my husband to hold the baby while I jump into shower.. Sitting on the shower floor with the water pouring over me and my head in my hands just trying to pull myself together and recharge but its difficult because I can hear the baby crying in the background and its itching on my mommy brain. 5 minutes into my shower and my 4 year old hops in to join me because she also wants to shower now. Right so mommy shower over, I get out realizing I didn’t even wash myself with any form of soap and I sneak out to the bedroom hoping my husband doesn’t see me and I can get 10min to die on the bed before getting dressed.
Getting dressed is hard.. I go through 10 pairs of jeans trying to find something that fits because my body is still crinkled and chubby from the pregnancy and then I have to plan my shirt according to it’s ability to get my boob out. By this time my husband is standing in the bedroom door way holding the crying baby and looking at me like I have to take the baby from him NOW because it is burning a hole in his arms and he is physically unable to hold her anymore.. I am not even dry yet,never mind dressed!
Now eventually I get to the point where I am half dressed and on baby duty again with one boob back out feeding the baby. My husband is relaxing outside having a smoke and coffee and by now my 4 year old has completed destroyed what ever cleaning I did earlier. I quickly shove the essentials into the baby bag and change her nappy while I scream at the toddler to put clothes on and hope she manages to half dress her self.
Right so into the car we go, I then realize I forgot to put shoes on and quickly shuffle off to put on my flip flops cause they are the only shoe I have energy for. I strap the kids in the car and quickly fix my messy mom hair that hasn’t been brushed or washed for days! Absolutely awful I know, but hay I said this was an honest post. Hair goes into bun and luckily by now both boobs are in.
I have chosen to go to Happy Valley for breakfast so my toddler can play while I eat. I order the biggest coffee they can make and put the baby in her car seat on the chair next to me. Because baby is now 6 months she wants to eat all my food instead of letting me eat, I now sit putting bits of food in her mouth so she can taste stuff but shes actually just dropping it everywhere and the floor around our table has more food on it than my plate. Baby is now crying again and I am begging my toddler to eat, to the point where my husband has to go do quite time with her in the car as a “punishment” for her not listening. Boob is out again for baby and I am at that stage of motherhood where I couldn’t be bothered to cover up while breastfeeding in public. All in all I am now even more exhausted than I was before we went out for breakfast.
The rest of the day is a blur.. I tried to sleep in the car at some stage cause baby was sleeping in her car seat but obviously she woke before I even dozed off.
This all seems absolutely awful, and to be honest yes it is difficult and the days can feel hard, tiring, tough, exhausting… you name it! But it should not make for an unhappy life or a miserable person.
I recently admitted to having postnatal depression and If I had written this about two months ago I would have been absolutely miserable. I had no happiness, felt no overflowing joy for my newborn baby, had no connection to my family and did not even want to leave the house..
But now, just over a month of being on some very lovely medication for my depression, and I can now see through the storm!! I am able to be happy, smiling and positively joyful even tho the days are hard and the kids are driving me nuts. I have overflowing love and joy for my beautiful little baby girl and when I put her to bed and night and snuggle her, I am so grateful for the day that I had with her even tho it was maybe not easy.
Parenting is hard, It is hard for everyone. Do not think you are alone if you feel like you are struggling, and if you feel like you are struggling to a point where you can not go on anymore or feel sad, depressed and miserable then let it be ok to seek help and admit that you are not doing fabulous.
See the sunshine through the storm and chaos that parenting can be….